As I stood there on Sunday, trying desperately not cave in to the tears pooling in my eyes, I looked at my cousins and my brother. All the young kids not crying, seemingly not even conscious that their grandfather was going to be out of their lives, permanently. The idea of loss must be pretty foreign to one so young, I can only hope it does not hit them later on in life, for the burden and the pain that comes with it is acute and long-lasting.
I should know. I caved in.
And now, everytime, every single fucking time I look at his photo, or think of him, I am hit by the empty depraved feeling of having lost something. I feel it when I pass by his house, something which happens on my way to school and on my way back from school, if it feels like this, will I be able to handle physically being in the house?
I am so grateful that he recorded those music videos before he passed, and to think of the circumstances under which he did so makes it even more amazing. My grandfather had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 2 years ago and he had a 50% chance if he operated, despite being over 80 years of age, he decided to fight. He went for it and he came back stronger than ever. He filmed those music videos, having loved the concept for many years. The inclusion of all of us in those videos makes it even more poignant and memorable. After the non-stop looping of the DVD during the wake, it is safe to say that the song which my family stars in is seared into my brain. My grandfather, one of the most amazing men I have ever known, his fighting spirit is an inspiration to myself and yes, he is my hero.
I hope that someday, my cousins and my baby bro will pick up that DVD and play it again. Not to cringe at the horror that they must feel they looked like in that video, but to appreciate our grandfather for everything that he is. A man who strove hard for everything, a man who took his roles and responsibilities seriously, a man who despite his Chinese upbringing could speak fairly decent English, a man who adapted to the times, a man who was generous yet thrifty, a man who loved life and knew how to enjoy it and a man, who, although may not have shown it in the most obvious of ways, knew how to love.
Ah Gong, I'm going to miss you so so much.
Excuse me while I go to my room to cave in again.