Why do I like surrounding myself with situations that constantly leave me in doubt? Do I like questioning myself so much? I seem to land myself in situations where I have to constantly question what the heck I'm doing, what my intentions are and why the heck I'm still forging ahead despite the circumstances. In so many of these situations, the other person keeps me guessing, I never know where I stand or what my role is, I never know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing, or should have done instead.
Do I genuinely find it thrilling that I'm kept guessing? Even though I'm freaked out half the time trying to guess correctly, scared to death of the consequences of getting it wrong? Why don't I want to find a stable environment? Or am I afraid I'll get bored? Am I such a thrill junkie that I need to find excitement in my life, not caring about the consequences at all? I know perfectly well that some of these situations gone wrong could totally damage my self esteem, crush me entirely, but yet I still continue? Heck, just having to guess constantly is killing my self-confidence.
Then again, I ask myself "What self-confidence?" Isn't everything just a facade? I mean, who's the one shaking so damn badly inside while still looking confident on the outside? I was in a stable situation 3 years ago, and when that crumbled, I was badly crushed. I was so messed up as a result. I let myself get too comfortable, and I swore to never let that happen to me again. Is that why I rather stay in volatile situations? Once bitten, twice shy?
It's at times like this that I realise why I surround myself with people, because when I'm alone, I start to think. I start to look inside myself and see all of my flaws. Every single freaking one of them. And I'm scared, I'm scared to death that the facade I've built will come tumbling down and that I'm secretly a modern Humpty Dumpty. That not even Obama and his whole team of advisers can put me back together again. When I'm alone, my mind wanders. Sometimes its good, sometimes its bad.
I really need to exorcise these demons someday. For now, I'm gonna keep up my charade for as long as I can. It's the only thing I know how to do and I'm worried sick that I won't even be good at doing it. When I think about it, I'm just like Richard the Third, except that the only person I backstab and double cross is myself. Heh. I think I'm gonna be in therapy for a long long time when I'm older..
我开始想念
也开始怕黑
有你在身边
不曾停过电
我开始后悔
也开始心碎
跺在这棉被
偷偷掉着泪
也开始怕黑
有你在身边
不曾停过电
我开始后悔
也开始心碎
跺在这棉被
偷偷掉着泪