Delusional
9:16 PM - Monday, November 30, 2009
You know what? It has to be stress. Nothing else. Been stressed with responsibility. Or maybe I'm just trying to find an excuse for my behavior.
Ah whatever,I need to stop second guessing myself. For now at least. I put today's ridiculous behavior down to stress and I'm sorry for it. Hopefully tomorrow will be a brand new day and I'll get better sleep. Mikkel kicking me off the bed does not good sleep make.
Please please please for goodness's sake return my email or call me. This wine thingy needs to be settled!!! >_<
ARGH
3:17 PM
I'm royally messing things up and I don't know why I'm acting this way. Must be PMS or hormones or whatever. Stress? I have no clue. Anyway, I just want you to know that the bottom line behind everything I do is that I care.
I realise I have a very weird way of showing it. Seriously. Ask anyone I've ever helped before. I do it in weird ways and yes my controlling tendencies tend to come across especially strong in this respect. That's why almost every CIP project I do requires me to be in the lead in some way. Ask Wei An. I'm sure if she thinks about it she understands perfectly what I'm saying.
I'm sorry you have such a weirdo for a friend. I'm sorry I'm totally rubbing you the wrong way. I'm gonna try and take a backseat, to relinquish that control. Then again, I was never really in control right from the beginning. All I ask is that you forgive me for the past week, for the past year. For everything dumb thing I've ever said or done.
It's not easy for me to do this, this giving up of control. It's bloody scary. And I have no idea what the end result will be.
Please. Forgive me.
Rollercoaster
4:56 PM - Sunday, November 29, 2009
I realised and was told by someone that I've been doing a helluva lot of emo posts lately. There's a good and bad side to this alright? Just read on and give me a chance to tell you why its good. As to why its bad, its kindof obvious. Happy, crazy, nutso Nicole being emo? Definitely bad.
I'm an Alpha. Have I ever told you that? I have this need to be in charge, to be in control of whatever is going on in my life. Yes, I'm an controlling, stubborn Alpha bitch. =) Most of you know about that drama I was watching a while back.. Yes, the L drama.. lols. Anyway, I really really identify with one of the characters on the show, played by Jennifer Beals (OMG SHE'S REALLY GORGEOUS!!) This character, Bette, is also an Alpha. She has an insane need to control everything around her, thinking that that's the way she can make sure everything is alright. She feels she has a need to be strong for the people around her, she is not allowed to show any weakness or to mess up in any way. If not, people will no longer admire or respect her. By controlling everything around her, she is able to ensure everything is perfect. If she screws up in any way, people will no longer think she is perfect and that's the only thing she knows how to do.
She's afraid to show her emotions, preferring to control those as well, locking them up inside her. As a result, whenever she is angry or depressed, she still keeps those emotions inside, and they eat away at her, chipping her away until she's empty inside. This in turn slowly destroys all the relationships around her because no one can penetrate her emotional walls, and its only a matter of time before those emotions break free.
Alright, so maybe I'm not that extreme, but I definitely identify really well with Bette. It's a good thing that I'm sharing my emotions and emoness on my blog then, because this means I'm not keeping it all inside me. Yeah I'm not getting chipped away, hooray! =D Through this method, I'm exorcising my demons.. =) But I've got plenty more to exorcise, so hang in there with me folks!
I love you guys, and stay with me only if you're sure you can handle this ride. Trust me, it has a thrill factor of 9.9/10! Loop de loops, sudden drops, reverse action, steep climbs anything you could ever ask for if you were a thrillseeker with a death wish haha.. =D
BOARDING STARTS NOW! =)
怕黑
4:42 PM - Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Why do I like surrounding myself with situations that constantly leave me in doubt? Do I like questioning myself so much? I seem to land myself in situations where I have to constantly question what the heck I'm doing, what my intentions are and why the heck I'm still forging ahead despite the circumstances. In so many of these situations, the other person keeps me guessing, I never know where I stand or what my role is, I never know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing, or should have done instead.
Do I genuinely find it thrilling that I'm kept guessing? Even though I'm freaked out half the time trying to guess correctly, scared to death of the consequences of getting it wrong? Why don't I want to find a stable environment? Or am I afraid I'll get bored? Am I such a thrill junkie that I need to find excitement in my life, not caring about the consequences at all? I know perfectly well that some of these situations gone wrong could totally damage my self esteem, crush me entirely, but yet I still continue? Heck, just having to guess constantly is killing my self-confidence.
Then again, I ask myself "What self-confidence?" Isn't everything just a facade? I mean, who's the one shaking so damn badly inside while still looking confident on the outside? I was in a stable situation 3 years ago, and when that crumbled, I was badly crushed. I was so messed up as a result. I let myself get too comfortable, and I swore to never let that happen to me again. Is that why I rather stay in volatile situations? Once bitten, twice shy?
It's at times like this that I realise why I surround myself with people, because when I'm alone, I start to think. I start to look inside myself and see all of my flaws. Every single freaking one of them. And I'm scared, I'm scared to death that the facade I've built will come tumbling down and that I'm secretly a modern Humpty Dumpty. That not even Obama and his whole team of advisers can put me back together again. When I'm alone, my mind wanders. Sometimes its good, sometimes its bad.
I really need to exorcise these demons someday. For now, I'm gonna keep up my charade for as long as I can. It's the only thing I know how to do and I'm worried sick that I won't even be good at doing it. When I think about it, I'm just like Richard the Third, except that the only person I backstab and double cross is myself. Heh. I think I'm gonna be in therapy for a long long time when I'm older..
我开始想念
也开始怕黑
有你在身边
不曾停过电
我开始后悔
也开始心碎
跺在这棉被
偷偷掉着泪
Reconnecting..
8:42 PM - Thursday, November 19, 2009
I seem to be bumping into loads of people who I haven't seen in a long time, like seriously, either everyone is free enough to go out or I'm actually making an appearance in the world at the right times now. The funny thing is, some of these people are people that I least expected to see in these areas!! Dunno, then again, Singapore is very small, so I guess its alright for them to be in this area and go to work/school on the other end of the island... lols.
So, let's start with person 1: Kenneth Ler. Oh gosh, this was the ultimate weirdest. I met him TWICE in two days. Like what are the chances. To quote Alice from the drama series The L Word, "What the frick-n-frack?!" Ok, let me introduce Kenneth first. I first met him last year at RMUN, he was in my council, he's from HCI and is a very nice sciencey guy. =) Anyway... I was going over to my grandparents' house to visit my grandfather, HE'S HOME!! yeah, and so as we pulled into the house, a taxi was outside and its passengers were alighting. At the time, I thought to myself "weird, how come the people inside are going inside my grandparents' house also... and wait, doesn't that guy in the black tee look familiar?" Anyway, I grab the stuff that we needed out of the boot and walk into the house. And think to myself "HOLY CRAP ITS KENNETH!!!" So, me being me, I obviously say hi to my grandfather first before saying hi to Kenneth. I think he also majorly freaked out. Lols. Basically, to cut a long story short, that afternoon was AWKWARD TTM and I'm sure he would agree. hahaha..
Alright, then the next day, which was Tuesday, I was at Chinese Swimming Club waiting for Mikkel to end his table tennis lesson. And guess who I happen to catch a glimpse of.. At least I thought it was him. lols. So, to confirm, I smsed him and asked whether by any freak chance he happened to be at the club. I mean, he goes to HCI!! Shouldn't he stay nearer there?? sighs. So, yes it turns out it was him. My friends are calling it fate, I say its just the fact that the East is too small.. But him at my grandparents' house was really amazingly unbelievable. What are the chances?? O.O
Person No. 2: Lai E-Von/Mrs Lee. hahaha.. My Sec 1 and 2 History teacher. She was and probably still is a darn good teacher, if she stayed on in DHS, I would have chosen to take History.. That's how much I enjoyed her lessons!! hahaha.. =D Meeting her wasn't that much of an awkward situation, given that I spoke to her for like 5 minutes max... In the doorway of the toilet at Parkway. Right. Ok. So maybe the place was a bit awkward but hahaha, I kindof missed her as a teacher. Wait, Nicole, slow down. Explain how you met her first!! lols. I was at Parkway for dinner with my mom and Mik, and we were walking from the carpark into the shopping centre. As I was walking, I was thinking to myself that the couple in front ah, the lady looks very familiar leh. But I figure I'm only looking at her back view and due to my hyperactive imagination, its not fair for me to judge.. lols. Turns out it was her. hahaha.. Mrs Lee if you're reading this you want to know how I know it was you?? Well, you still walk the same way, you still carry yourself really well!! You always had this incredibly sassy walk, hahahaha.. Dunno how else to explain it, but the way you walk and the way you dress, it just screams YOU lor!! lols. It was great to see you again!! =))
And thats all for the meetings so far, 3 days in a row. Well, I am meeting a long lost person tmr too, but tmr's meeting is planned!! ALICIA HO I LOVE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU DAO-ING ME ON MSN?? hahahaha.. =D ANYWAY, I'M SEEING YOU TMR!!! WOOTS!! =)))))
Size Zero
11:37 AM - Monday, November 16, 2009
Hey all, this is a new song that I cooked up, what with PW and all that's been going on, was just inspired to tackle one of the latest problems in society.. lawls. Anyway, will be posting it here and on Facebook, hopefully you guys like it.. =D
1st verse
This ain't no Mika song
I'm just trying to hit that gong
To wake all of you up
To show you just what's stuck
In your mind
You hate the sight of big behinds
In your mind
You hate jiggling cellulite
In your mind
Fat makes you wish you were blind
Chorus
Hey why are you so into size zero?
Don't you know
Life ain't about that
It's alright to have a little fat
Why is perfect size zero?
Are we really that shallow?
Life isn't perfect, we all know that
So what's wrong with a little fat?
2nd verse
Yup this ain't no Mika song
Just pointing out what's wrong
This mindset has got girls out there
Thinking that size zero is all they should wear
They're trying to look like Victoria Beckham
Dieting, puking to get that size zero waist
When they fail, they in a depression
It's their lives that's going to waste
Chorus
Hey why you into size zero?
Don't you know
Life's more than that
It's alright to be fat
Perfect don't mean size zero
Let's all not be that shallow
In life we only get one chance at bat
Why focus on not getting fat?
Bridge
Thin doesn't equal beauty
There ain't nothing wrong with some booty
Just take a look at Beyonce
I think you get what I'm trying to say.
Chorus
Hey why you into size zero?
Don't you know
Life's so much more than that
It's perfectly fine to be fat
Perfect don't mean size zero
Just look at gals like J Lo
I'll even suggest Mariah Carey
Girls believe me, what counts is inner beauty
Well, I think this one is quite good, or maybe that's just my ego.. hahaha.. Lemme know what y'll think.. And I hope the message is clear enough!! *hint hint* hahaha.. =D
At the Beginning
9:30 PM - Thursday, November 12, 2009
Inspiration struck again today. Nat Nah if you're reading this, don't think so far ok? lols. Anyway, just a little something I cooked up. =)
Hey babe,
This might be a 'lil late.
But I'm here to say,
Just do things your own way.
Circumstances cramp your style,
Detour you just a little while.
I know you'll bounce back,
I'm counting on that.
You know those re-exams?
Beat them, WHAM BAM!
ha! They won't know what hit them.
Trust me, I'm your ham friend!
Circumstances cramp your style,
Detour you just a little while.
I know you'll bounce back,
I'm counting on that.
I know you're tough,
But the going is rough, is it enough?
Don't worry, I'll be by your side,
Every single step of this crazy ride.
Don't let things knock you down,
I refuse to let you drown.
You better make it, I can't bear to part,
Damn, it might just break my heart.
I think the person in question knows who this is directed to, so yeah, love ya babe =) Good luck and I'll be there studying with you, supporting you, stopping you from suicide. Hope you liked it and I genuinely mean what I composed up there =)
Life is road and I wanna keep going,
Love is a river I wanna keep flowing.
I'll be there when the world stops turning,
I'll be there when the storm is through.
In the end, I wanna be standing at the beginning
WITH YOU =)
Automatic/So dramatic
8:06 PM - Wednesday, November 11, 2009
E.N.F.P.
Those 4 letters that describe my personality to a tee. Really they do. The report that explains this MBTI personality type of mine was highly accurate.. But I suppose I'm human too, and I have my faults, that cannot be perfectly captured in a paper report.
I was just re-reading this msn convo between me and my senior the other day. And it further reinforced my knowledge of my imperfections. But heck, I'm always revealing my imperfections to people. hahaha.
The report said that I was extroverted, which I do not deny. The report also said that I was intuitive, that I went with my gut feelings. I cannot refute that. But both qualities simply serve to make me seem too pushy and naggy at times. Domineering as well. Sometimes I come on way too strong, in some cases it works, in some cases it backfires so horribly. But I find that being domineering serves several purposes, for one, it allows me to just push past everything that I don't wish to confront. Secondly, and very horribly so, it allows me to feel important when I get my way, thereby stroking my ego. Heh. So I'm a bossy, egoistical escapist. WOW.
Anyway, I think during that convo, that was the first time I ever admitted to someone that I'm not the confident heck-it-all person that I try to be and neither was I the person with the laissez-faire bochup attitude that I seem to exude to people. Yup, I admitted that I'm simply human (hooray I'm not alien), with loads of baggage to boot. I'm an insecure asshole who really just needs a boost of self-confidence now and then.
I thought I made friends fairly easily, still do now actually. But when I met her, that was the first time I was totally unsure of my status, was I a friend or just a junior? In fact, my exact words to her was "I wasn't sure at the time whether I was an irritating friend to you or just an irritating junior". At least I acknowledged that I was irritating. That's good. Well, I think now, I can be safely considered her friend, even though it may not seem that way. But her response "actually, I'm sorry to say this, but you were just a junior to me at the time" only served to open up old wounds. Naturally, I'll survive and move on, I have sufficiently thick skin for that. But this is just the superficial layer of my various insecurities.
But that's what defences are for, my humour (albeit a bad one), my ego, my "confidence", my "thick skin", my constant goading etc. So I'm sorry if my defenses have kept you out or hurt you in any way, I really have no bad intentions, I'm just protecting myself, in the only way I know how.
Let's play truth or dare,
"Dare", because I don't care.
"Truth", because it's time to bare.
FOR THE WOMAN
9:28 PM - Sunday, November 8, 2009
As you can see from the title, I'm blogging for a certain person. hahaha.. She's gonna kill me for this. =D But anyway, since she's not on facebook, I'll post my lyrics here, for those who are on facebook, please be patient, I promise I'll post something else later! =))
Oh there she goes,
I’m sure she knows
How she captures me.
The sway of her hips,
The curve of her lips,
When she flashes that smile,
Every man stops for a while.
But I know her best,
This is just a test.
Only I know her desires,
What gets her on fire,
All these men just try,
I look and I sigh.
The sway of her hips,
The curve of her lips,
When she flashes that smile,
Every man stops for a while.
But oh! Their wasted intentions,
Cos’ HA! She’s a lesbian.
Only I know,
And I intend to bestow
The greatest pleasure on her tonight!!
Yeah, (laughs) that’s right
Woman you chose this particular one!!
Food For Thought
8:08 PM - Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I was just thinking the other day (and yes I do think.. despite evidence to the contrary..)
The human race is in a cycle of self-destruction. We're thinking in polarities. We're thinking in labels.. Stuff like --------------------->
good or bad, white or black, happy or sad,
man or woman, straight or gay, young or old.
It's too simple. It's too general. And besides, many of these labels/polarities are in opposition. You know what I think? I think that
good+bad+white+black+happy+sad+man+woman+straight+gay+young+old
= HUMAN
And I think that my Maths teachers, past or present, would find no problems with that equation whatsoever. In fact, they should be mighty proud that I figured this out. Heh. =D